This whole getup is uncharacteristic of me. Bah humbug! *waves hand*

Well, not so much as you might have thought if you simply read what I said above without reading what I'm about to say, but slightly, in a tortured way.

The Turtle, who shall from hereafter be also known as "me", "myself", and "ham", knows little greater joy than in pro-activity. Thusly and thusly alone shall you be warned. If I'm doing something, it's most likely with a goal in mind. Or it could be the person in front of the goal that's in my mind. Or it could be the ball, which I need to deliver past that person who at times other than this might be in my mind. It's very.. complex, you see. As are most things, if you seek to think of it.

I need to shave.

Ah, I'm back.. I suppose from your bored expression I should deduce that you have "discovered" I am not really a turtle. You silly humans! You know, more than half of your lives consist in the implications of a carnal human mind, and thusly, I sometimes don't understand. Nobody has said that the turtles excaped the post-diluvian curse, but it could be postulated-- among friends, I mean-- that turtles did not experience the same dearth of humanity that the, well, the humans experienced. I'm having a hard time expressing my thought: Turtles aren't perfect, but not as cursed as are humans. Let me explain.

James 3:2 sa.. What? You didn't.. oh, you just don't realize how literate we turtles are, do you? It takes us centuries, but we're actually a very intelligent, if totally boring to discuss, race of reptiles. To be frank, most of us don't like to talk about ourselves very much, so you'll find my later expositions to be mostly directed toward the human viewpoint. I dare say you'll have trouble telling the difference between myself and a human, but you can believe me when I tell you I'm a turtle. How? Well, the internet is a wonderful thing, if dangerous, scary, worthless, and Godless at times. This is why, young one, this is why.

Well, it seems to me that you spirit-filled people pay altogether too little an amount of your attention to exactly what effect your physical acts have on your spiritual self. You do have a soul, you know, and I have it from a good source that your actions will cost you later in lyfe. Lyfe is what I shall call the lyfe after this life, which happens to be temporal, my fellow creatures, and you'd best start thinking very seriously about the one to come. What will you have to say? Not to me, but to the ones you'll be with in the next life! I, you know, do not possess a soul as it did not please my Creator to give me one, which was once a source of distress to me in my earlier life( around age 134, if I can correctly recall that long ago ), but now is a sort of constant reminder that I have but this life to serve my Creator. I have heard much, young one. You need to listen to me if you want to understand what has happened in the past, what currently occurs, and what appears like it will be like in the future.

You're an eternal being, human. Live like it. How, you ask? Well, check back with me later. I'll be sharing what I know about eternity from history and the men that created history. Let me give you a tip: History repeats itself if not observed with the closest care. That is your lesson.

Tired. Of. This. And Quite Possibly Something Else Which is Secret at the moment. Lervey.